i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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