Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
