Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
