you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
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Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
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... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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