Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
