tell your sister to shave her snatch
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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