i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Randomize
