my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
