Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I think i got beer on your cat.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
