I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
