Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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