So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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