OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
