We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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