I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
