Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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