Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
