I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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