everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
