i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
