obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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