I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
