what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
