Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
