Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
