it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
