I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Come on in and take your pants off
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