My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
