She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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