You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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