What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
