Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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