my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
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It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
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he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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