When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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