If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
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Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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