apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
