Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
