did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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