Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
