So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Someone shattered a urinal.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
