The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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