The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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