a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
