guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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