i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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