you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
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so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
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Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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