My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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