someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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