It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
