I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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