I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
