Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
