shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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