How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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