So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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