either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
