after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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